Shhh...I'm not really dead.

If you wake up tomorrow and see an obituary in the paper with my name and photo don't panic. I'm planning to fake my own death so that I don't have to workout again tomorrow...

I've spent the last month working on aspects of my health other than physical health and it's been good. However, I knew there was still a nagging desire to address once again my physical health. So naturally I reconnected with SheDevil..you may remember her from previous posts. I would've blogged about my time with her last week but my legs wouldn't carry me to the computer until now.

I weighed in with her last week for the first time in a year and a half. Bad news.. my weight was up. Good news.. it could've been worse. So we set new goals and started working. Well, I started working.. she just sat there and laughed at me. Once again, I've re-established a relationship with my scale and once again the mental battles of weight loss began again. Defeating thoughts like "What makes you think you'll be successful this time?" and "Maybe you'll always be fat and just have to deal with that reality."

Then I read something that softened my view on myself and this battle and maybe it'll soften yours... "It's your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since you are in charge of your future, then you determine the meaning of your past." So true!! The decisions we make today and tomorrow can determine what our past really means in the grand scheme of life.

So... maybe past "failures" and let-downs haven't really been failures at all if it builds me into a person that never quits, a person that continues to press forward and works for what she wants. Hmmm... I can live with that. That is IF I live through a 3rd day in a row with SheDevil tomorrow morning.

The Little Things

My current situation in life is overwhelming at best. Every morning (or early afternoon) that I drag myself out of bed I have to make a choice. Lately, the recurring choice I am faced with is to trust God in the moment, with every decision and rely on what I know to be truth or trust my emotions and feelings, which can sometimes be deceiving.  Today has been especially difficult... it feels as though EVERY step I take must be deliberate or I am going to fall. This is not easy... in fact, it is down right gut-wrenchingly painful at times. However, in true AnnaLisa form I must find a silver lining, after all, this is my Formdivine - it's what I do.

Having to make every decision with painful deliberation has made me realize something... When I have to consciously think about what I am going to do, even in the mundane details of life, it causes me to be present in the moment. It turns out that when you feel lost and don't know exactly which direction you're going to head next, you don't have your mind filled with expectations and thoughts that might typically cloud your senses. Your mind isn't darting back and forth from yesterday to tomorrow to next week because all you have the mental energy to do is take one step forward.

Today I decided to do some cooking, and because I was moving in this mental slow motion, I was able to savor the taste and smell of the cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lime and hand-grated parmesan cheese rather than hastily throw everything together, chow down and race off to the next thing I have to do.

I finally finished the book Ruthless Trust and one of the chapters had this to say about my 'silver lining' moment... "When my mind is replaying past glories and defeats or imagining unknown tomorrows, the music of what is happening is muted." (pg. 151)

I know my heart won't always be this heavy or my actions needing to be this deliberate... but I do hope I hang on to a bit of this mindset in that I don't return to racing through life so fast and unconscious of what I'm doing that I don't hear the music in my life anymore.

So in honor of today's revelation, I am now going to partake in the chocolate cake with home made cream cheese frosting I made today...How's that for a silver lining?

Trust

Trust has become a central focus in my life these days. People's trust in me, my trust in others, and more importantly - my trust in God.

You see, this area of trust or more accurately, lack thereof, is not something I thought I struggled with. As long as I can remember trust hasn't been an issue. People have been able to trust me, I them and I never waivered in my trust in God or His promises...and then human nature takes over and life smacks you in the face.

The book Ruthless Trust describes trust like this.. Faith arises from the personal experience of Jesus as Lord. Hope is reliance on the promise of Jesus accompanied by the expectation of fulfillment. Trust is the winsome wedding of faith and hope. (pg 86)  I was cool with this description until I realized where my weak link was sitting. I struggle with the "expectation of fulfillment"... and to be clear I am not referring to my trust in humans but in God and His promises.

I seem to be able to trust Jesus to work and fulfill expectations in other people's lives - encouraging them to risk trusting Him, and yet I can't seem to do that for myself. What breaks my heart deeply is that there are people throughout history and today that have suffered pure evil at the hands of people that are supposed to love them and care for them, hence warping their view of what real love looks like. And yet even these souls have found the courage to put their naked trust in Jesus when I, who haven't had much in the way of wordly troubles, can be so afraid.

These victims of tragedy (think child abuse, genocides, etc.) have been able to say "God is still trustworthy - even if He doesn't intervene on my behalf".

These people are my heros... They trust with the expectation that Jesus has their back regardless of their circumstances.

A New Focus

This blog's primary focus has been on physical health; on fitness, weight, and body image which in and of themselves are not bad. However, my life has recently hit a brick wall. A brick wall of doubt, uncertainty, disillusionment and brokenness. The details surrounding the brick wall are personal and private, but my health remains the focus of my life after hitting said wall, only it's not my physical health at the forefront of my mind.

Instead it is my spiritual, emotional, mental and relational health I am currently striving to improve.

I have recently begun a hiatus from life if you will and during this time to myself I've decided to read some books recommended by a trusted friend. The one I started today has prompted this post because if I have been even a HINT of inspiration for anyone to be motivated to physical health I am compelled to share what I was moved by today...

The name of the book is "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning and if you're interested in an intellectual read by a great storyteller I highly recommend this book.

My takeaway?  Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

"Ruthless Trust" describes gratitude as having 4 characteristics.. it is Inclusive, Attentive, Contagious, and Theocentric.

A few thoughts on each...

• Inclusive - We must be grateful for our WHOLE story, not just the good parts.
• Attentive - Without staying attentive and aware we may miss the very things that are in our lives that we should be thankful for.
• Contagious - Grateful people are a delight to be around ..."The root of joy is gratefulness... It is not joy that make us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful." - Brother David Steindl-Rast
• Theocentric - This characteristic of gratitude is anchored in trust that there is Someone to be thankful to.

So what's the opposite of gratitude? Grumbling. Life's grumblers live in a state of self-induced stress (think Squidward). They feel cheated and whine at life's "unfairness".

So my question is are you grateful or a grumbler? Do you slow down enough in the day to day to truly look around and take in all there is to be grateful for? If not... DO IT! 

I'm Back

I've been avoiding this blog for 16 months. Why?? Because life hit and I got stressed and gave up on my health for a little while. I thought about deleting the blog a couple times but couldn't bring myself to do it.  Then over the past few weeks I started thinking about coming back...both to the blog and the pursuit of a healthy body. So here I am...letting you know that no amount of time lapse should intimidate you from pressing forward.

Sure..I would be in a healthier position if I had continued as hard as I was going and not flaked out these  past 16 months...but I would be in a much worse position if I wasn't sitting here typing this blog trying to rekindle the passion for health.

So my question is...what did you do today to give something good to your body? That's going to be my approach as I slowly sneak back into a healthier lifestyle. I've learned that when I try to go all or nothing I fail quickly. Today I walked for 45 min and have kept my calorie intake at 1500. And guess what? Those 1500 calories were not made up of organic chicken and fresh vegetables. In fact, I ate Kraft macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs for dinner (I know..I know..I'm not 9 anymore) but I kept my daily calories down and walked TODAY. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit the organic food aisle...nah!