It's starting to get fun!

When you start out as heavy as I did it takes a while for people to begin noticing all your hard work on the outside.  Last weekend it happened. I had just hit the 30lb mark when all of a sudden people started noticing! At church alone 5 people asked me if I was losing weight. 5!!!  The same thing happened at work...a number of co-workers asked me how much weight I've lost and I'm all like "30 pounds!" 

Now, I realize I have a loooooong way to go to reach my ultimate goal, but it felt so good to have someone notice the results of 3 months of sweat and sacrifice! And let me tell you, it is absolute motivation to keep on truckin'! 

But what's even more motivating?...I'm starting to notice.  My current pair of jeans went from me becoming a contortionist to get into to literally putting them in the dryer yesterday to make them a little smaller.  I sit in a movie theater seat every Sunday at church and I used to have to strategically wedge myself in the seat to sit down...now I just plop down and sit. Oh! And last week I sat down and actually CROSSED MY LEGS!! Like a lady!  These are just 3 things off the top of my head that I have noticed.  (All my skinny friends don't know what it's like to not be able to cross their legs, but it's something I've missed.)

So I enjoy the evidence I see for now and look forward to more and more! Like wearing a cute summer dress or a sleeveless shirt or knee high boots or ...

Intentional Living

One of the biggest learnings I've encountered over the past few months is how important it is to live with intention.  I've been intentional with money, parenting, school, relationships; but for some reason I never realized how important it was to be intentional about my health.  The result?? unintentionally doubling my weight; unintentionally damaging my self-esteem; unintentionally teaching my daughters to have no self-control; unintentionally inhibiting my sex life and the list could go on and on and on!

Eating right and exercising must absolutely be done on purpose!  Because I don't ever remember a day that I just stumbled onto my elliptical and started going or my dumbbells appeared in my hands.  I also don't recall a time that the perfect chicken and veggie dish was prepared for me on accident or my water for the day miraculously made it into my body.  These are all things I have to make a conscious decision to do every day.  These are all things that I have to control. 

I got so distracted the other day at work when I was sitting in a meeting with a huge bowl of Halloween chocolates in front of me.  I barely remember what we talked about but I absolutely remember what I was saying in my head..."don't eat one, don't eat one, don't eat one!"  Would one piece have destroyed my whole day or week of health?  Nope, but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't have had just one. As soon as I saw that bowl of candy I had to make a decision immediately that I was not going to eat one. (or 2 or 5 or 10)  I walked out of that room very pleased with myself!  Mostly because there was a day not long ago that I would've shoved a handful in my pocket and eaten them all the way home without even being aware that I have consumed a few hundred calories of useless sugar and fat.

Intentional living = fewer regrets...at least that's the way it seems to me.

Words to live by

Words are funny things...they can make or break my day. Lately two phrases in particular help me get through workouts and stay focused on healthy food choices.  The phrases are "I got this" and "I don't eat that"; both of which come from my new friend and trainer Cassi.  She introduced me to "I don't eat fill (in the blank)" whether it be brownies, McDonalds, or whatever else is looking delicious at the moment. I kind of chuckled when she first shared this self-talk method of avoiding bad choices, but I have found myself starting to use it!  The first time I said it to myself I was driving by a Wendy's and REALLY wanted a jr. bacon cheeseburger (or 2).  After I shot a quick prayer asking God to keep my foot on the gas pedal I heard my self say "I don't eat Wendy's!".  Did my craving magically disappear? Nope, but I didn't stop, and lo and behold, I didn't miss it.  Will I ever eat another jr. bacon cheeseburger (or 2)? Yep, probably...but not right now.  So now I find myself muttering it to myself on a regular basis and am beginning to enjoy beating my urges into submission.

The second phrase is something I've been hearing from Cassi since I began training with her.  Whenever I am to a point in my workout that I feel like my muscles are literally going to tear from my bones I hear her say "You got this!".  Seemed simple and certainly not something I expected to stick with me, but after hearing it over and over and over (I frequently think I'm going to die when I workout with her) I have found it quite empowering. 

I GOT THIS!!           I OWN IT!!          IT IS MINE!! 

What is "it" you ask??? "It" is way more than it seemed at first.  At first I thought...OK, I got this last rep or I got this last minute on the elliptical.  But the more I heard it and the more I said it to myself the more "it" became my confidence, my health, my future! 

Seemingly insignificant words that have turned out to be quite significant. 

My current mantras! 

The story behind Formdivine

If you've known me for any length of time you've probably seen or heard the word 'formdivine' attached to my name. I've used it as a username and/or screename for multiple internet uses over the years.  It has become a bit of a mantra for me and it all stems back to a story my good friend Amy told me years ago and it goes like this...

When one of her aunts was about 3 years old, she came out of her bedroom, wearing nothing but the good Lord gave her, threw her arms up in the air and declared "This is my form divine!".

I love it!! I loved it then and I love it now!  Why can't we all have this attitude?? Why can't we (especially us girls) look at ourselves and say this?

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good.  I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months and I'm finally starting to see some results other than the scale.  Mostly, my clothers are fitting better...woo hoo!! So I go into Target after my workout feeling like hot stuff and decide to peruse the clearance racks.  I find a couple of shirts I want to try on and as I'm standing in the dressing room I catch a glimpse of myself in the 3 way mirror. OMG!! My calves look like elephant legs, my butt looks like two watermelons are shoved down my pants and I have 3 layers of wavy rolls going up my back!  I was devastated! In an instant I went from joy to nausea.

I quickly wrapped it up and vowed not to go back into a dressing room until I've lost at LEAST another 50 pounds.  However, after I calmed down, I had to say to myself...this is my form divine! Whether I'm a size 22 or size 6, this body is used for good!  I hold my children with this body; I love my husband with this body, I walk my dog with this body; I help sick people with this body.  This IS my form divine!!  It was 20 pounds ago, it is now and it will be when I reach my weight goal.  My weight DOES NOT determine my worth! (even if my culture says it does)

So come on...go strip naked, raise your hands high above your head and say it with me...

The Beginning

This is the beginning...or is it the end?  I'm not really sure if this is the beginning of a new me , the end of the old or somewhere in between.  14 years ago I began struggling with my weight. I've hashed and re-hashed all the reasons why I believe the weight came on; I also spent double the amount of time trying to figure why it wouldn't come off.  I've speculated on my childhood, my marriage, my faith, my will.  I've gotten psychological, financial, and practical about how I got here and why.

So where am I now? As of today I am 20 pounds down (yay!) from heaviest I've ever been...and filled with more hope, determination, and faith that today is the heaviest I will ever be!

I'm changing from the inside out and I want this blog to document my journey.  I want to be encouraged when I feel discouraged and hopeful when I doubt my impending success.  I also want to be able to show fellow strugglers that it can be done and done well. But not without insecurities and DAILY choices.

I am nervous as I'm about to publish this first entry, because what if I fail?? What if I fail and I have written documentation of it? But...what if I succeed? How amazing to look back on this time and "watch" the transformation take place?

Well, here goes nothing!