Shhh...I'm not really dead.

If you wake up tomorrow and see an obituary in the paper with my name and photo don't panic. I'm planning to fake my own death so that I don't have to workout again tomorrow...

I've spent the last month working on aspects of my health other than physical health and it's been good. However, I knew there was still a nagging desire to address once again my physical health. So naturally I reconnected with SheDevil..you may remember her from previous posts. I would've blogged about my time with her last week but my legs wouldn't carry me to the computer until now.

I weighed in with her last week for the first time in a year and a half. Bad news.. my weight was up. Good news.. it could've been worse. So we set new goals and started working. Well, I started working.. she just sat there and laughed at me. Once again, I've re-established a relationship with my scale and once again the mental battles of weight loss began again. Defeating thoughts like "What makes you think you'll be successful this time?" and "Maybe you'll always be fat and just have to deal with that reality."

Then I read something that softened my view on myself and this battle and maybe it'll soften yours... "It's your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since you are in charge of your future, then you determine the meaning of your past." So true!! The decisions we make today and tomorrow can determine what our past really means in the grand scheme of life.

So... maybe past "failures" and let-downs haven't really been failures at all if it builds me into a person that never quits, a person that continues to press forward and works for what she wants. Hmmm... I can live with that. That is IF I live through a 3rd day in a row with SheDevil tomorrow morning.

The Little Things

My current situation in life is overwhelming at best. Every morning (or early afternoon) that I drag myself out of bed I have to make a choice. Lately, the recurring choice I am faced with is to trust God in the moment, with every decision and rely on what I know to be truth or trust my emotions and feelings, which can sometimes be deceiving.  Today has been especially difficult... it feels as though EVERY step I take must be deliberate or I am going to fall. This is not easy... in fact, it is down right gut-wrenchingly painful at times. However, in true AnnaLisa form I must find a silver lining, after all, this is my Formdivine - it's what I do.

Having to make every decision with painful deliberation has made me realize something... When I have to consciously think about what I am going to do, even in the mundane details of life, it causes me to be present in the moment. It turns out that when you feel lost and don't know exactly which direction you're going to head next, you don't have your mind filled with expectations and thoughts that might typically cloud your senses. Your mind isn't darting back and forth from yesterday to tomorrow to next week because all you have the mental energy to do is take one step forward.

Today I decided to do some cooking, and because I was moving in this mental slow motion, I was able to savor the taste and smell of the cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lime and hand-grated parmesan cheese rather than hastily throw everything together, chow down and race off to the next thing I have to do.

I finally finished the book Ruthless Trust and one of the chapters had this to say about my 'silver lining' moment... "When my mind is replaying past glories and defeats or imagining unknown tomorrows, the music of what is happening is muted." (pg. 151)

I know my heart won't always be this heavy or my actions needing to be this deliberate... but I do hope I hang on to a bit of this mindset in that I don't return to racing through life so fast and unconscious of what I'm doing that I don't hear the music in my life anymore.

So in honor of today's revelation, I am now going to partake in the chocolate cake with home made cream cheese frosting I made today...How's that for a silver lining?

Trust

Trust has become a central focus in my life these days. People's trust in me, my trust in others, and more importantly - my trust in God.

You see, this area of trust or more accurately, lack thereof, is not something I thought I struggled with. As long as I can remember trust hasn't been an issue. People have been able to trust me, I them and I never waivered in my trust in God or His promises...and then human nature takes over and life smacks you in the face.

The book Ruthless Trust describes trust like this.. Faith arises from the personal experience of Jesus as Lord. Hope is reliance on the promise of Jesus accompanied by the expectation of fulfillment. Trust is the winsome wedding of faith and hope. (pg 86)  I was cool with this description until I realized where my weak link was sitting. I struggle with the "expectation of fulfillment"... and to be clear I am not referring to my trust in humans but in God and His promises.

I seem to be able to trust Jesus to work and fulfill expectations in other people's lives - encouraging them to risk trusting Him, and yet I can't seem to do that for myself. What breaks my heart deeply is that there are people throughout history and today that have suffered pure evil at the hands of people that are supposed to love them and care for them, hence warping their view of what real love looks like. And yet even these souls have found the courage to put their naked trust in Jesus when I, who haven't had much in the way of wordly troubles, can be so afraid.

These victims of tragedy (think child abuse, genocides, etc.) have been able to say "God is still trustworthy - even if He doesn't intervene on my behalf".

These people are my heros... They trust with the expectation that Jesus has their back regardless of their circumstances.

A New Focus

This blog's primary focus has been on physical health; on fitness, weight, and body image which in and of themselves are not bad. However, my life has recently hit a brick wall. A brick wall of doubt, uncertainty, disillusionment and brokenness. The details surrounding the brick wall are personal and private, but my health remains the focus of my life after hitting said wall, only it's not my physical health at the forefront of my mind.

Instead it is my spiritual, emotional, mental and relational health I am currently striving to improve.

I have recently begun a hiatus from life if you will and during this time to myself I've decided to read some books recommended by a trusted friend. The one I started today has prompted this post because if I have been even a HINT of inspiration for anyone to be motivated to physical health I am compelled to share what I was moved by today...

The name of the book is "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning and if you're interested in an intellectual read by a great storyteller I highly recommend this book.

My takeaway?  Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

"Ruthless Trust" describes gratitude as having 4 characteristics.. it is Inclusive, Attentive, Contagious, and Theocentric.

A few thoughts on each...

• Inclusive - We must be grateful for our WHOLE story, not just the good parts.
• Attentive - Without staying attentive and aware we may miss the very things that are in our lives that we should be thankful for.
• Contagious - Grateful people are a delight to be around ..."The root of joy is gratefulness... It is not joy that make us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful." - Brother David Steindl-Rast
• Theocentric - This characteristic of gratitude is anchored in trust that there is Someone to be thankful to.

So what's the opposite of gratitude? Grumbling. Life's grumblers live in a state of self-induced stress (think Squidward). They feel cheated and whine at life's "unfairness".

So my question is are you grateful or a grumbler? Do you slow down enough in the day to day to truly look around and take in all there is to be grateful for? If not... DO IT! 

I'm Back

I've been avoiding this blog for 16 months. Why?? Because life hit and I got stressed and gave up on my health for a little while. I thought about deleting the blog a couple times but couldn't bring myself to do it.  Then over the past few weeks I started thinking about coming back...both to the blog and the pursuit of a healthy body. So here I am...letting you know that no amount of time lapse should intimidate you from pressing forward.

Sure..I would be in a healthier position if I had continued as hard as I was going and not flaked out these  past 16 months...but I would be in a much worse position if I wasn't sitting here typing this blog trying to rekindle the passion for health.

So my question is...what did you do today to give something good to your body? That's going to be my approach as I slowly sneak back into a healthier lifestyle. I've learned that when I try to go all or nothing I fail quickly. Today I walked for 45 min and have kept my calorie intake at 1500. And guess what? Those 1500 calories were not made up of organic chicken and fresh vegetables. In fact, I ate Kraft macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs for dinner (I know..I know..I'm not 9 anymore) but I kept my daily calories down and walked TODAY. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit the organic food aisle...nah!

Slumpin'

It has happened...I'm in a weight loss slump.  I've been trying to lose the same 3 pounds since Christmas!!  I really didn't think this would happen so soon.  It's not even that I'm eating horribly or stopped exercising...I'm just kind of stuck.

So naturally I have found myself wondering..what if I gain weight back?  What if I lose momentum? What if people stop telling me how great I look?  So, I've been doing a little soul searching in this slump of mine and have discovered that my mind has completely changed!  See, in the past, I would get upset or depressed about the slump.  I would anticipate failure and just stop.  Then beat myself up for stopping and try and start over. Again and again and again. 

This time I realized a key difference in my thought process....MOTIVATION!!!  The question I've been asking myself as a backdrop in this slump is "What is the motivation behind the changes I've been making?"

Is it a number on a scale?  Is it a size 6 jeans?  Is it to be viewed and accepted as beautiful in today's society? Is it to make Scott happy? No, no, no, and NO!!!

It's to be the best me I can be.

That's it...to be the healthiest, strongest, life-giving me I can be!  My motivation is truly, deep down no longer rooted in the next big event (wedding, reunion, vacation) or the next 10 pounds or you name it!
It's to be the best me today, next year, when I'm fifty and forever.

To be as healthy and able-bodied as possible and the beautiful thing about it is this motivation has no end.  Because I'll never stop changing...I'll never stop wanting to be the best me.  The best me will look different in every age range, every weight range, every season of my life, so the motivation will never stop. 

So there.  I'm in a slump...big deal.  I'm as healthy as I can be today.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

How To Survive the Holidays Without Gaining Weight!!

Throw away all the food in your house, padlock the doors and don't leave from the middle of November until January 1st!  Seriously!!

I haven't blogged since before Thanksgiving because my blogs would've looked something like this "I ate and then I ate some more...and then I ate some more". Now...my Thanksgiving goal was to be 40 pounds down; here's a look at how this went...

  

 

cheesy broccoli & cauliflower

 

cheesy creamy potatoes



stuffing

My Thanksgiving was wonderful. My family packed up and drove down to Kansas City to spend the holiday with my brother.  Of course I was cutting my goal close (because that's how I roll) so I literally packed up my scale and headed down south.  The important part is Thanksgiving morning I woke up, hopped on the scale and realized I made my goal.  Yay!!! And then I went to my brother's for Thanksgiving at which point in time I proceeded to partake in what can only be decribed as Butterfest 2010! (It was awesome - in a bad way) Here's a sneak peek at what we had  

 

cornbread

 

sweet potatoe casserole



 



turkey (of course!)



Needless to say...sticking to a healthy eating plan was out the window!  Then the next day guess what we had for our meals?? LEFTOVERS!!





AHHH! But it was soooooo good!

By the time I got home I was up 4 pounds.   Ironically, I felt like Thanksgiving was a raging success mainly because I remained aware of what I was eating.  I allowed my self the weekend to be looser than normal but still stuck to one plate of food and opted out of a dinner roll w/butter just because.  I also made sure that I didn't have access to too much junk on the 9 hour car ride there and back.  Just water and peanuts to snack on instead of soda, chips, and a candy bar. 

So with my 50 pound goal (1/1/2011) looming ahead of me I once again tightened the reigns and trudged into December.  I dropped the 4 pounds I gained and started making headway again.  Then the Christmas weekend.  And I mean WEEKEND.  We had a Christmas meal Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Why did I choose January 1st as my 50 pound mark???  Once again, I stuck to 1 plate of food with minimal desserts and truly did not feel as deprived as I thought I would...and trust me...I took what I wanted on that one plate.  So here I sit...days away from January 1st and cutting it too close for comfort to reach my goal.  I have a few pounds to lose yet by Saturday but I'll do it because I GOT THIS!!  Attempting a few days of just liquids (failing miserably today) to kind of cleanse the system and put food back in its rightful place.

I read statistics of how on average people will gain 10-15 pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year's and I think of all the years I did that and didn't even care.  This year I didn't gain 15...I lost 50!!

Is the inspiration extra??

As I've mentioned in previous postings I work out with a personal trainer 3x/week (AKA: Shedevil) but I never realized how much she would actually do for me.  I thought she would help me gain physical strength and endurance and push me in my workouts to my fullest potential.  Never in a million years did I expect her to challenge me spiritually and emotionally and turn out to be an amazing friend.

These last couple of weeks I hit a slump of sorts.  A few factors have played into this such as a cold that won't go away, working extra hours, and the general busyness of life.  With this I have not been as diligent in my eating and working out that I had been which in turn started that old familiar cycle of "I'll get back on track tomorrow".  Of course I've included Cassi in on these thoughts and emotions and she was quick to encourage me and help me focus on the amazing progress I've made.  Overall, I have NO DOUBT that I will continue being successful and this is a minor blip in the grand scheme of things.

Then today as I'm praying that God will help me make good choices this week and stay on track while on vacation I receive a text message from Cassi that says

                  "At the deepest level, it is not your food obession that you need to admit to yourself.  At the deepest level, it is the memory of your Divine light that you most need to admit to yourself...the light of God that lives within you as the gift that it is: the solution to every problem" 

Then to top it off, she texted me a prayer that I couldn't have articulated better myself in regards to what I was feeling.

So seriously...is she going to charge me extra for this??...because there are times when what she did today is more helpful and needed than what she does for me in the gym!

So at least for today I will not reference her as Shedevil (oops) but as Cassi Pinter - a true friend and inspiring woman. (and the reason I have to upgrade my texting plan to unlimited)



  

Changing perspective

I was on the phone yesterday with a fellow sister who's struggling and we were talking about strategies and battles with food.  At one point in the conversation I told her that with her eating habits ALONE she could easily drop 10lbs. by the end of the year and how great that would make her feel.  At which point she replied "The weight I would be at in 10 lbs. is nothing to celebrate." 

Wow!! She hit the nail RIGHT on the head for how I've felt so many times in the past.  For instance...If I weigh 190lbs and lose 10 to become 180lbs, whoopty do!! I'm still 180lbs and I want 130lbs.  I, and it sounds like others, are so intensely focused on the number we want to see that we fail to realize the stepping stones you have to jump on to get there. 

If someone would have told me years ago that I'd be excited to see the weight on the scale I am today I would have puked in my mouth.  Seriously.  Know this...I am not excited to see that number.  I am excited to know that it's 35lbs less than it was 3 months ago.  That is something worth celebrating.  With that thought, I realized that I have had to make a conscious choice to view my progress that way. 

So don't look at what you haven't accomplished yet...look at what you have accomplished and celebrate that!!

Pictures Suck!

2 years ago I bought a simple white linen shirt that I absolutely loved.  It fit great on top, but was a bit too snug around the hips so I put it in my closet until I was could wear it.  Fast forward to this past Saturday night and I'm getting ready to go out to a charity event and I throw on the white shirt.  This is it! I'm wearing it and I'm excited!  I pulled off the tag, did my hair and makeup and off I went. 

I arrive at the event and due to the recent 33 pounds I've lost, people are FINALLY noticing that I'm dropping some weight and making comments and it feels soooooo good!!  So today I receive an email from a friend who was taking photos of the event and there I am in the same white shirt but I SWEAR I didn't look that fat when I left the house.  I SWEAR when I did my make up that 3rd chin was most definitely not there! 

How could I be so stupid??
How could I think I looked even halfway decent that night?? 
How can I think that 33 pounds is a big deal when I have 100+ left to go??
How do I tell my friend not to tag me on facebook because I'm mortified by the way I look?

These are the horrible thoughts that plague me and in the past would have sent me into a downward spiral bringing me straight to the ice cream aisle. 

Today they are sending me to the gym to workout...and to the pantry for a can of tuna...and to the fruit basket for a cluster of grapes. 

I know I'm not the only one that have had these thoughts and I hope I can continue to fight them with healthy choices instead of caving under the pressure of negativity!

A new kind of evil!!

In an effort to keep things simple and kind, in today's blog we are going to refer to my personal trainer as SheDevil (or SD for short). 

Last week was a rough week for me.  My sleeping, exercising, and eating was turned upside down due to the almost 30 additional night shift hours I worked and by Monday's weigh-in I was just pleased to have not gained weight. So the SheDevil and I decide that this would be a good week to hit it hard and try and make up for last week.  So instead of working out 3 days at her mini in-home gym and 2 or 3 on my own we decided I will go to her place all 5 days this week.

Every now and then SD decides to change up the order of my workouts claiming "muscle confusion" is going to amp up my results.  But by now I'm thinking maybe, just maybe the "muscle confusion" twists won't make me want to jump off a bridge or cut off a limb, etc.

Silly, silly AnnaLisa...when will I learn??  She had an evil trick up her sleeve!  Typically I do three sets weights and then 3 minutes on the elliptical...three sets of weights and 3 minutes on the elliptical for a total of 4 weight sets.  I got through my first set and thought "not too bad".  At which pont in time she hands me the 10lb ankle weights I use to work my inner thighs and says "For your elliptical time today you're going to hold this over your head."  Wha What??? What??!!??  You're kidding right? No she was NOT kidding. But the worst part is that she was LAUGHING!! Yeah!

I barely got through the first minute and brought my arms down at which point she promptly paused my time because surely she wouldn't want to rob me of all the amazing benefits of this current torture.  "You said you want amazing arms" says SD, "This is how you'll get them".  I begged for her to stop the pain while she smirked and grinned.  I made it though my first 3 minutes in about 4 1/2.  I then went to get my water bottle and my arm was literally shaking!!  I told her that I would probably drop my baby when I got home and it would be all her fault. 

SheDevil didn't care.

This went on for what seemed like hours.  I thought of many forms of physical pain that would've been easier than holding weights above my head while on the elliptical...getting a tooth pulled; delivering a baby; being run over by a car. ANYTHING!  

And here's the kicker...I'm going to pay her for this!

Well, that's all I can type about this.  Not because there isn't more I could say, but because I literally cannot hold my hands over the keyboard anymore.

It's starting to get fun!

When you start out as heavy as I did it takes a while for people to begin noticing all your hard work on the outside.  Last weekend it happened. I had just hit the 30lb mark when all of a sudden people started noticing! At church alone 5 people asked me if I was losing weight. 5!!!  The same thing happened at work...a number of co-workers asked me how much weight I've lost and I'm all like "30 pounds!" 

Now, I realize I have a loooooong way to go to reach my ultimate goal, but it felt so good to have someone notice the results of 3 months of sweat and sacrifice! And let me tell you, it is absolute motivation to keep on truckin'! 

But what's even more motivating?...I'm starting to notice.  My current pair of jeans went from me becoming a contortionist to get into to literally putting them in the dryer yesterday to make them a little smaller.  I sit in a movie theater seat every Sunday at church and I used to have to strategically wedge myself in the seat to sit down...now I just plop down and sit. Oh! And last week I sat down and actually CROSSED MY LEGS!! Like a lady!  These are just 3 things off the top of my head that I have noticed.  (All my skinny friends don't know what it's like to not be able to cross their legs, but it's something I've missed.)

So I enjoy the evidence I see for now and look forward to more and more! Like wearing a cute summer dress or a sleeveless shirt or knee high boots or ...

Intentional Living

One of the biggest learnings I've encountered over the past few months is how important it is to live with intention.  I've been intentional with money, parenting, school, relationships; but for some reason I never realized how important it was to be intentional about my health.  The result?? unintentionally doubling my weight; unintentionally damaging my self-esteem; unintentionally teaching my daughters to have no self-control; unintentionally inhibiting my sex life and the list could go on and on and on!

Eating right and exercising must absolutely be done on purpose!  Because I don't ever remember a day that I just stumbled onto my elliptical and started going or my dumbbells appeared in my hands.  I also don't recall a time that the perfect chicken and veggie dish was prepared for me on accident or my water for the day miraculously made it into my body.  These are all things I have to make a conscious decision to do every day.  These are all things that I have to control. 

I got so distracted the other day at work when I was sitting in a meeting with a huge bowl of Halloween chocolates in front of me.  I barely remember what we talked about but I absolutely remember what I was saying in my head..."don't eat one, don't eat one, don't eat one!"  Would one piece have destroyed my whole day or week of health?  Nope, but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't have had just one. As soon as I saw that bowl of candy I had to make a decision immediately that I was not going to eat one. (or 2 or 5 or 10)  I walked out of that room very pleased with myself!  Mostly because there was a day not long ago that I would've shoved a handful in my pocket and eaten them all the way home without even being aware that I have consumed a few hundred calories of useless sugar and fat.

Intentional living = fewer regrets...at least that's the way it seems to me.

Words to live by

Words are funny things...they can make or break my day. Lately two phrases in particular help me get through workouts and stay focused on healthy food choices.  The phrases are "I got this" and "I don't eat that"; both of which come from my new friend and trainer Cassi.  She introduced me to "I don't eat fill (in the blank)" whether it be brownies, McDonalds, or whatever else is looking delicious at the moment. I kind of chuckled when she first shared this self-talk method of avoiding bad choices, but I have found myself starting to use it!  The first time I said it to myself I was driving by a Wendy's and REALLY wanted a jr. bacon cheeseburger (or 2).  After I shot a quick prayer asking God to keep my foot on the gas pedal I heard my self say "I don't eat Wendy's!".  Did my craving magically disappear? Nope, but I didn't stop, and lo and behold, I didn't miss it.  Will I ever eat another jr. bacon cheeseburger (or 2)? Yep, probably...but not right now.  So now I find myself muttering it to myself on a regular basis and am beginning to enjoy beating my urges into submission.

The second phrase is something I've been hearing from Cassi since I began training with her.  Whenever I am to a point in my workout that I feel like my muscles are literally going to tear from my bones I hear her say "You got this!".  Seemed simple and certainly not something I expected to stick with me, but after hearing it over and over and over (I frequently think I'm going to die when I workout with her) I have found it quite empowering. 

I GOT THIS!!           I OWN IT!!          IT IS MINE!! 

What is "it" you ask??? "It" is way more than it seemed at first.  At first I thought...OK, I got this last rep or I got this last minute on the elliptical.  But the more I heard it and the more I said it to myself the more "it" became my confidence, my health, my future! 

Seemingly insignificant words that have turned out to be quite significant. 

My current mantras! 

The story behind Formdivine

If you've known me for any length of time you've probably seen or heard the word 'formdivine' attached to my name. I've used it as a username and/or screename for multiple internet uses over the years.  It has become a bit of a mantra for me and it all stems back to a story my good friend Amy told me years ago and it goes like this...

When one of her aunts was about 3 years old, she came out of her bedroom, wearing nothing but the good Lord gave her, threw her arms up in the air and declared "This is my form divine!".

I love it!! I loved it then and I love it now!  Why can't we all have this attitude?? Why can't we (especially us girls) look at ourselves and say this?

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good.  I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months and I'm finally starting to see some results other than the scale.  Mostly, my clothers are fitting better...woo hoo!! So I go into Target after my workout feeling like hot stuff and decide to peruse the clearance racks.  I find a couple of shirts I want to try on and as I'm standing in the dressing room I catch a glimpse of myself in the 3 way mirror. OMG!! My calves look like elephant legs, my butt looks like two watermelons are shoved down my pants and I have 3 layers of wavy rolls going up my back!  I was devastated! In an instant I went from joy to nausea.

I quickly wrapped it up and vowed not to go back into a dressing room until I've lost at LEAST another 50 pounds.  However, after I calmed down, I had to say to myself...this is my form divine! Whether I'm a size 22 or size 6, this body is used for good!  I hold my children with this body; I love my husband with this body, I walk my dog with this body; I help sick people with this body.  This IS my form divine!!  It was 20 pounds ago, it is now and it will be when I reach my weight goal.  My weight DOES NOT determine my worth! (even if my culture says it does)

So come on...go strip naked, raise your hands high above your head and say it with me...

The Beginning

This is the beginning...or is it the end?  I'm not really sure if this is the beginning of a new me , the end of the old or somewhere in between.  14 years ago I began struggling with my weight. I've hashed and re-hashed all the reasons why I believe the weight came on; I also spent double the amount of time trying to figure why it wouldn't come off.  I've speculated on my childhood, my marriage, my faith, my will.  I've gotten psychological, financial, and practical about how I got here and why.

So where am I now? As of today I am 20 pounds down (yay!) from heaviest I've ever been...and filled with more hope, determination, and faith that today is the heaviest I will ever be!

I'm changing from the inside out and I want this blog to document my journey.  I want to be encouraged when I feel discouraged and hopeful when I doubt my impending success.  I also want to be able to show fellow strugglers that it can be done and done well. But not without insecurities and DAILY choices.

I am nervous as I'm about to publish this first entry, because what if I fail?? What if I fail and I have written documentation of it? But...what if I succeed? How amazing to look back on this time and "watch" the transformation take place?

Well, here goes nothing!